I admit it. I really like The Voice. For those that haven’t seen it, it is a TV reality show / singing competition. I like this show because of the quality of the contestants; they really can sing instead of just shouting out lyrics. Plus, the quality of feedback from the coaches is positive, focused on building up the contestant, not tearing them down.
There was a moment in the show last week that highlighted for me one of the great and essential characteristics of building strong and sustainable relationships — authenticity.
One of the contestants, in a rehearsal session with their coach, was singing the song he had especially chosen for the show. It was a song that evoked strong emotions from the singer; he felt connected to it in terms of sentiment and lyrics.
The rehearsal was going along, and the singer was mechanically and stylistically doing well. However, their coach pointed out that in The Voice the competition was extremely strong. If you want to win, you need to feel the lyrics and the meaning of the song. The phrase he used was “show them who you are”. Share the emotions you feel.
A national TV audience and the performance of a lifetime for a young singer and the best piece of advice they got from their coach — Be Authentic. Authenticity (or lack thereof) is acutely felt by the other party. People instinctively know when someone is not being authentic. They can sense the uncomfortable internal struggle when words and actions don’t match beliefs.
If being authentic and sharing who you are is an uncomfortable sensation, begin with something simple such as a passionate interest. I remember attending a conference where one of the attendees was what I would call a stereotypical networker. Paul worked the room quickly, assessing and looking for opportunities.
I introduced Paul to Kevin, a good friend of mine. Kevin understood very well what it takes to build relationships. Kevin stopped Paul in his tracks with a simple opening question — “Tell me Paul, what are you passionate about?”
Paul’s reaction was priceless. The tension in his face disappeared and he began talking about his grandkids. He was going on vacation with them the following week and how much he was looking forward to it. At that moment Paul and Kevin began developing a relationship. Kevin shared stories about his family. They talked about their shared fears for the youngest generation. The conversation went on for almost 20 minutes.
Another friend always focuses on authenticity and sharing, especially with a new prospect. He gets to know the prospect and helps the prospect get to know him. Who they really are, what their passions are, and what their goals and aspirations are. In one instance, at the close of a conversation early in the relationship, a new prospect said — “you have spent more time with me today than my current provider has spent with me in the past five years.” That prospect grew into one of my friends best clients, and the relationship continues to grow.
Let me suggest a different mental framing in your business dealings. Focus on sharing who you are. Focus on helping the other person also open up and share. In other words, be authentic and tap into the emotional side of a relationship. With each business relationship ask yourself the following:
• How well do I know this person?
• How well do they know me?
• What is one authentic aspect about me that I can share?
• What is one thing I can do today to help this person?
Only through authenticity and generosity can a relationship have the opportunity to mature. It’s all about the person, it’s not about the product or service. Opportunities for business will come out and be discussed. And when it does, it will be in the context of solutions that the client is asking for, not things you’re trying to sell them. With a strong relationship the client is pre-disposed to hearing about your solutions, and pre-disposed to buying them because they trust you.
Author Ken Cook is founder and managing director of Peer to Peer Advisors and developer of The Rainmaker Business Development System. Reach him through his website at www.peertopeeradvisors.com.
