It was hardly surprising that “newspaper columnist” was not among the fastest -growing jobs forecast for Connecticut through 2016.
According to the Connecticut Department of Labor’s new “Connecticut Occupational Forecast,” Cohen the Columnist has so dominated the market for great columns that potential newcomers are discouraged and choose instead to be network systems and data communications analysts.
That “network systems” stuff is forecast to be the fastest-growing occupation in Connecticut, in large part because all the fun people have moved to places where the bars stay open late, the barber shops aren’t closed on Mondays and you can buy wine in grocery stores.
What seems clear from the labor figures is that in the next decade or so, Connecticut is going to be overrun by pets; livestock; old, sick people; crazy, drug-addicted people; computer dorks; financial advisors who have some really cool mortgage-backed debt to market; and 8.3 trillion social worker-community activist type people who all voted for Barack Obama.
Underpaid Mechanics
If that’s not enough to prompt you to move somewhere far away like Costa Rica or Voluntown, ponder the fact that medical and public health social workers make much more money than aircraft mechanics. That suggests that when the plane goes down because the underpaid mechanics used a nail instead of a screw for the airfoil titanium battery mainframe engine mount, there will be armies of overpaid grief counselors available to help us mourn.
Two of the top six job-explosion fields predicted for Connecticut are veterinarians and veterinary technicians. That may be fine for pit bulls and dairy cows, but it raises concerns among actual human people, who search in vain on the top-20 list for general practitioners who may not know how to remove a thorn from a furry paw.
Two areas of almost identical job growth by 2016 are financial analysts and mental health counselors. Business school professors call this “synergy.” The analysts will be so traumatized by their reviews of the financial services industry clustered in Connecticut that the mental health counselors will expand to meet the market demand.
Connecticut will cement its image as a state full of rich people by the forecast job explosion not only in financial analysts, but also for personal financial advisors, a category that will grow even faster than health folks clustered to serve rich people with acne and sore knees.
The only cool, creative job category among the fast-growing top 20 is multimedia artists and animators, who, according to the data, make even less than the underpaid airplane mechanics, but are capable of helping you pretend that your plane is still flying and that you can soar through the air like Batman and stuff.
The average salaries for these fast-growing jobs reflect the magic of the marketplace and the magic of the public-sector labor unions. “Mental health counselors” and “substance abuse and behavioral disorder counselors” make almost identical salaries, because when you abuse drugs and booze that suggests you need counselors, the social-service entrepreneurs are going to compete to heal your troubled soul.
The highest-paid lucky stiffs on the fast-growth list are anesthesiologists, which is very good news for Cohen the Columnist. For $193,783, I can put you to sleep a lot faster than some silly old anesthesiologist.
Laurence D. Cohen is a freelance writer.
