It is time for Connecticut to strike back, to seek revenge from New Hampshire, a nation to the north.
Why is it that population growth in Connecticut remains so sluggish? Because unsuspecting Connecticut residents drive to New Hampshire to stock up on cheap liquor, discover that there is no income tax — and never return home again.
What is to be made of those shadowy figures that hang around Hartford’s western suburbs, making fun of Avon Mountain and the Litchfield hills? They are New Hampshire secret agents, urging tourists and residents alike to drive up to New Hampshire, which has “real mountains.”
Do you think it’s an accident that New Hampshire elects almost 68 percent of the entire state population to its state legislature, while Connecticut folks have to struggle to snare a seat on the local zoning board? Those in Connecticut with the biggest egos (e.g., insurance executives and newspaper editors) move to New Hampshire, so that they can be state senators.
Enough. New Hampshire is vulnerable and we must act, while they are distracted from the war with Connecticut, the Great Satan.
They know not who they are, those New Hampshire villains. They are so befuddled about what it means to be in New Hampshire that they have hired a Florida marketing firm to explain it to them. It seems that tourists contemplating a good time in New Hampshire often draw a blank. Fill in the blank: I want to go to New Hampshire because … Oops.
The North Atlantic Treaty Organization (NATO), made up of all the New England states except for New Hampshire, should mobilize and crush New Hampshire while it’s down. We have what it takes.
In Vermont, they sell cheddar cheese. In Maine, they sell lobsters. In Connecticut, they sell maps of suburban office parks you can drive through on the way to New York City. In Massachusetts, they sell baked beans and bobblehead dolls of Paul Revere. New Hampshire? You get a few bucks off on a bottle of bourbon. Big deal.
The trick is to surround New Hampshire with hostile billboards, asking such questions as: “Going to New Hampshire? What For?” and “Going to New Hampshire? Don’t Unpack. You Won’t Be There Long.”
The Connecticut Central Intelligence Agency leaked secret documents to the Boston Globe, which dutifully reported that New Hampshire was riddled with self-doubt about travel and tourism marketing.
In fact, many cities and states are at a loss to communicate exactly what they are — what they want to be when visitors come calling.
In 2006, Indiana finally dumped its old slogan, “Enjoy Indiana,” which sort of sounded like your mom trying to convince you to enjoy your Brussels sprouts.
Hartford grudgingly retired its “New England’s Rising Star” campaign, with the understanding that not only did it sound a bit presumptuous, but it also implied that the star had not yet risen.
An amusing study in 2004 discovered that while the New Jersey shore was a popular tourist destination, its brand name, “Jersey Shore,” was a turnoff, because folks didn’t want to be reminded that they were in New Jersey. And who can blame them?
Some cities decide to avoid clever marketing and just be honest. Martinsville, Va., is the “Sweat Shirt Capital of the World” — and don’t you forget it.
Once New Hampshire is contained and restrained, it can join the universe of peaceful nations and market itself successfully. Mt. Washington, for example, could be touted as New Hampshire’s most intriguing tourist attraction. “Come to New Hampshire and See Where It Is Very, Very Cold.”
Take that, stupid Florida.
Laurence D. Cohen is a freelance writer.
