The conspirators live among us, acting as if they’re just like anybody else from Hartford or New Hartford or West Hartford or East Hartford. But for many months, they have been crafting an extraordinary takeover plan that would transform the United States into a Canadian province, somewhat on the order of Manitoba.
The plot was launched in Connecticut, of course, because Hartford is the “Insurance Capital of the World,” and the first step in the Canadian takeover is to transform American health insurance into some sort of Canadian thing, where everybody stands in very long lines for sort-of-free medical coverage.
Financing for the conspiracy is being done through TD Bank branches in Connecticut, which, as you may have noticed, have quietly changed their names from TD Banknorth. North? North? Yes, the bank is actually Canadian, but it doesn’t want us to know that, for obvious reasons. “TD” stands for “Toronto’s Domination” — not only of Toronto, but, eventually, of all North America.
Plans for the Canadian takeover have accelerated in recent weeks, in anticipation of 2010 — the 30th anniversary of “O Canada” being proclaimed the national anthem of Canada. “O Canada” is much easier to sing than our National Anthem, as anyone who has ever been to a hockey game knows. The Canadians plan for us all to be singing their song.
They already have us eating their doughnuts. The Tim Hortons’ coffee and doughnut shop stores that have popped up around here don’t put the Canadian flag on the front door, but they’re as Canadian as the Calgary Stampede, which is sort of like a big rodeo, except that “stampede” is the word they use for “rodeo” in foreign countries, which, by the way, is what Canada is.
Even President Obama, who still isn’t quite sure what to make of Afghanistan, is well aware that Canadians are sneaking across the border to open bank branches and doughnut shops in Connecticut. Homeland Security Secretary Janet Napolitano was dispatched to Canada earlier this year to explain that our northern border was a “real border” and we are going to start protecting it with doughnut sensors and other sophisticated stuff.
As is often the case, the real danger lurks from within; from people who fail to appreciate the approaching danger. There are apologists among us who suggest that the only thing wrong with Canadians is that they’re a little dull. You’ve heard the story. Adam must have been Canadian because there he was in a beautiful garden, with a naked Eve — and Adam goes after the apple.
What is most frightening is that many state politicians are in secret alliance with the Canadians, who have promised that local political leaders who assist in the takeover will be awarded hockey franchises after the Canadian flag is raised over the Connecticut Capitol.
Last year, the General Assembly approved June 24 as Franco-American Day, welcoming the Canadian enemy and acknowledging their influence on our culture and the funny way we now speak French.
This year, following a stirring speech, in French, by state Sen. Gary LeBeau, the Senate passed a resolution proclaiming June 24 Canadian-American Day — not just honoring the French Canadians, but all Canadians, united in their effort to take over America.
Luckily, the Connecticut Civil Liberties Union discovered that June 24 was a national holiday in Canada honoring St. John the Baptist — a suspiciously religious-sounding festival. The civil liberties lawyers lobbied the state House of Representatives and the bill died, without a vote.
One small victory. A toast to America! Hold your glasses of Canadian whisky high! Oops. Is that all right?
Laurence D. Cohen is a freelance writer.
