Many readers of the Hartford Business Journal have asked whether Cohen will ever run out of column ideas; that is, will he wake up one morning and find that his little pea-brain has simply been drained and there is nothing left to be said?
I have reviewed your queries with my Inventory Control staff and I have been assured that the Artful Strategist can continue to be artful, forever.
The dirty little secret of column writing is that you can always fall back on old favorites. There are three subjects for criticism, for instance, that I find always prove popular with readers: backwards baseball caps; empty HOV lanes on I-91, and low-flow toilets that are great for the environment, because they, well, you know, don’t really flow.
The marginal propensity of readers to consume critical columns about these important subjects is limitless; thus, Cohen the Columnist will never run out of things to write about.
Unless, these things are outlawed.
The Strategic Planning Department, which is prone to forecasting catastrophes, has warned that if federal and state legislators and regulators came together in one righteous army, and somehow banned the wearing of backwards baseball caps, the construction of HOV lanes, and the installation of low-flow toilets, then Cohen might have an inventory crisis in his idea reserves.
But, come on. What are the chances? The High-Occupancy Vehicle Lanes are basically mandated, if you want the federal cash for interstate highways. HOV lanes reward all those tens of thousands of commuters who come together in cooperation and harmony to share the ride and feel the love.
Steve Lopez, a columnist for the Los Angeles Times, once hired a Mexican day-worker to serve as his “passenger,” so he could travel in the HOV lanes.
Steve will never run out of column ideas — just like Cohen. One female driver in California argued that because she was pregnant, the fetus counted as her passenger when she drove in the HOV lane.
And low-flow toilets? They are mandated in virtually every building code; you can’t even replace your existing normal-toilet-that-actually-works with anything other than a low-flow, unless you sneak off to the town dump late at night and grab a discarded, real toilet and install it yourself — not that anyone would actually ever do that, because it would be very, very wrong.
The backwards baseball cap? This is the one that might give me some trouble.
Trouble In Paradise
While lawmakers and regulators seem pretty tranquil about the waste of empty HOV lanes and the left-over waste from low-flow toilets, the powers-that-be seem ever at the ready to regulate and mandate and legislate clothing stuff.
It was just last month that the Stratford Town Council mulled an ordinance that would have fined hardened criminals $250 for wearing “pants which fall below the buttocks,” to expose underwear and stuff.
Since Stratford is soft on crime, the proposed ordinance was voted down, but similar legislation has popped up, or drooped down, in jurisdictions across the country.
And, of course, public school educators and school board members can’t get enough of dress codes in schools. Can’t make those kids learn no readin’ or ’rithmetic, but, by God, we’ll prevent them from dressing like hookers or NBA basketball players.
At a middle school in Napa, Calif., this summer, a student was punished for wearing Winnie the Pooh socks.
Even at the college level, droopy pants and (dare I say it?) backwards baseball caps may be at risk. The Illinois State University College of Business has established a “business casual” dress code. ISU is located in “Normal,” Ill. This is taken very seriously. One can only imagine what would happen if you traveled from Stratford, Conn., to Normal, Ill., wearing your stupid, droopy, underwear-displaying wardrobe.
You can see my dilemma. On the one hand, I know that backwards baseball caps are a trick of the Devil, to make guys look dopey. So, the instinct for government to regulate clothing would, eventually, flip them caps back the way that God intended.
On the other hand, if the illicit and illegal cap thing were rectified, that would be one less subject to write about. I would be left with HOV lanes, low-flow toilets, and the Connecticut’s Permanent Commission on the Status of Women.
I can make that work.
Laurence D. Cohen is a freelance writer.
