At a time when America is grappling with unemployment, declining performance in schools, and erosion in confidence in the country’s economic future, the last thing people want is an in-your-face book on how immigrant moms are raising over-achievers primed to rule the world.
But that’s just the book a Yale professor has written. Is she right? High-achieving Asian moms in across Connecticut seem divided.
Unless you’ve been away to Mars, you couldn’t have missed the hoopla over Yale University law professor Amy Chua’s book “Battle Hymn of The Tiger Mother.” Western moms especially cannot wrap their minds around the notion of driving a child so hard that she leaves teeth marks on the piano keys in frustration. Threatening to burn toys and telling your kid she’s “garbage?” Not funny, even though the author has suggested in recent interviews that some of her material was meant as humor.
In the book, Chua describes the methods she used to push her daughters (now 15 and 18) to excel. For example, when a daughter was placed second in a math competition, she was made to do 2,000 math problems each night. She recalls nerve-wracking piano practices (her older daughter performed at Carnegie Hall at age 14), how she rejected all but an A+ (“A- is a bad grade” — she writes), and how she believes that learning an activity is meaningless if a kid doesn’t win gold medals at it.
Throughout, she points out cultural differences between Western and Asian moms. “Western parents are concerned about their children’s psyches. Chinese parents aren’t,” she concludes.
What role does culture play in motherhood? Are most immigrant moms Tiger Moms?
To find out, Hartford Business Journal interviewed six high-achieving Asian immigrant moms across Connecticut. These are their stories.
Immigrant work ethic; American independence
Bala Krishnamurthy, 61, founder and CEO of Aeolean Inc. in Ridgefield, agrees that immigrants drive their kids harder. “That’s because we had to fight to make it in a foreign country,” she said.
Krishnamurthy, an international award-winning robotics scientist, says her goal was to instill values by example, not rhetoric. Unlike Chua’s description of the Chinese mom who’d whip herself into a “screaming, hair-tearing explosion” if her child failed to get an A+, Krishnamurthy, an Indian, said she was perfectly contented with A-.
“They never got a C. If they did, I’d have been very disappointed. But there would’ve been no yelling, threats or punishments; just conversations to find out what went wrong. I gave out cash for grades. An A was $5; B $4; and nothing for C!” she said.
She dissuaded her husband from removing the household TV. (Chua’s kids did not have access to TV and videogames). “My reasoning was you’re taking away temptation temporarily. What happens when they’re in college? They need to develop self-discipline at an early age. That’s why I never took away any privileges,” she said. “I wanted to train them to be independent and to think on their own.”
Krishnamurthy’s daughter studied at Yale University and Harvard Law School and works as a litigation attorney with the Securities and Exchange Commission. Her son also graduated from Yale and founded an award-winning graphics design company in New York City.
Eastern expectations; Western psychology
“I’m a Chinese mom and coming from Asia, you had to work hard to get ahead,” said Dr. Lalaine Chua Mortera, 47, medical director at Newtown Pediatrics. “But I’m not as crazy as Amy; I never threatened to burn toys, for instance,” she said.
Yet like Chua, Mortera did not allow sleepovers, except with cousins. She’s revoked cell phone rights, cut playtime, and cancelled outings with friends. She was also candid, even when it hurt. “Look at how kids on American Idol are laughed at. It would have been better if their mothers had told them they were not good. When my kids played the piano off-key, I told them so,” she said.
Mortera believes that Western moms care more about a child’s feelings. For example, if a child gets a B grade, they’d say something like: “It’s okay, you tried your best. Whereas a Chinese mom will figure out how to turn the B into an A,” she said. “The Western side in me wants to be careful and not hurt their self-esteem. My Eastern side is to set high expectations. A balance is best. I think Amy overdid it although her kids excelled.”
Mortera’s daughter, 17, is poised to apply for pre-med. When her son, 15, switched from violin to guitar, his mom was okay. “My goal for my kids was not to perform at Carnegie Hall. I just wanted them to have music in their lives,” she said.
Sleepovers develop people skills
Sudha Swaminathan, 45, questions whether mothering styles have more to do with education and less with ethnicity. A professor of childhood education at Eastern Connecticut State University, Swaminathan, an Indian, specializes in math and technology education.
“There’s so much more than achieving excellence. Creativity and listening to others’ perspectives are just as important,” she said.
Her daughter, 13, and son, 10, get A grades at school. They practice the piano 30 minutes a day (a warm up, by Chua’s standards). But they also watch TV, play videogames, have sleepovers, and spend half-hour of “sibling time” together daily.
“You’ve got to enjoy the here and now — bond with siblings, make friends, and connect with people. A good balance is healthy not just for kids, but for the whole family,” Swaminathan said.
No dating, period
For Mansoora Waqar, a Glastonbury-based entrepreneur who works in retail, instilling respect for parents, elders and teachers took precedence over achievements.
She does not permit her children — daughters, aged 26 and 21, and a 23-year-old son — to date. They did not attend prom either. “Asian culture is very different. I still discipline them. In fact I’m pushing my older daughter, who’s in medical billing, to study further,” she said.
Waqar has two master’s degrees from Pakistan. Her younger daughter is on track to becoming a psychologist and her son is applying to medical school.
“I tell them we’re minorities,” she said. “We have to work twice as hard to succeed.”
The importance of being happy
Susan Kim’s Korean mom cut the TV cord and carried it in her purse to ensure that her kids had a TV-free childhood.
“She was the strictest mom I knew. I think it was because as an immigrant, she didn’t have an identity of her own. She was just known as Susan’s mom. If her kids didn’t do well, it reflected on her,” said Kim, 37, an attorney at Bingham McCutchen LLP in Hartford.
Her mother had wanted her to become a doctor. “When it became painfully obvious that I wasn’t good at math, she settled for law. But it was one or the other — I had no choice,” Kim said.
Now a mother herself to an infant girl and a son, 7, Kim said she’s made a conscious decision to be less strict. “Everyday I scale-back the temptation of being like my mom. I want my kids to have choices in life,” she said. “Of course, I have expectations. I won’t be happy if my son wanted to go backpacking for the rest of his life!”
Relationships matter
Imma Trinidad, 55, president of the Filipino-American Association of Western Connecticut and director of finance, The Inn at Middletown, describes herself as Number Eight among 12 kids.
“I was not too happy in my childhood in the Philippines because I had to study very hard and did not get to play much. My parents were very strict, which is why I chose not to be as strict,” she said. “When you fear your parents, you cannot connect with them.”
Trinidad’s older son is a dental assistant. Her younger son is a martial arts instructor.
“It’s good for kids to excel at all levels, but it’s bad if a kid is stressed at an early age. I was never a pushy mother, my kids chose their own path,” she said. “Today they talk to me about anything. We are very close.”
Competitiveness or abuse? Parenting styles spark debate
