A fundamental predictor of success in sales, leadership, or any aspect of business is the ability to communicate effectively. If you cannot communicate effectively, the probability of successfully leading an organization, motivating a team, collaborating with a co-worker, or selling something to a customer is greatly diminished.
One of the most toxic elements that diminishes effective communications is the belief that if I’m certain of something, I must be right. Equating certainty with being right can bring almost any conversation to a grinding halt.
Blind men & an elephant
Consider the elephant and a group of blind men. There is a difference between perception and reality. Each blind man in the group has a different opinion as to what he is feeling and experiencing.
The man feeling the tail is perceiving a rope. The man feeling the leg, a tree trunk. The man perceiving the trunk, a hose. And so forth.
Each blind man is certain, is sure of what he is perceiving. Therefore, each man knows he’s right. Of course, not one of them is right.
There are lessons we can take away from the blind men on the elephant:
- Perception is unique to each of us. We each see it differently.
- We need to maintain our awareness that there is be a big difference between being certain and being right.
- We tend to notice the things that confirm our thinking — because we like to be right. As a result, we can miss a lot.
How this impacts relationships
A broader and more impactful lesson though is understanding how and why this impacts relationships.
We always try to relate what we’re perceiving to what we already know. It’s one of the ways we use to make sense of the world. Everything we see, hear, feel or experience in any way at all is specific to each of us.
When two people witness the same event, each will experience it in a different way. When asked to describe it, separated from each other, their recall will have similarities, but details will be different. Each experiences the same event with different senses, references, retentions, connections, and recall. And both parties will swear their recall was the most accurate.
We hold our own reality
The bottom line is each and every one of us holds our own reality. It is easy for us, when someone shares their perception and we see it differently, to lose sight of this truth and respond with, “No, that’s not how it is!”
But it is absolutely how it is for that individual because their perception is as real to them as ours is to us. In relationships there needs to be an awareness and appreciation of these different perceptions of reality.
If we do not allow for differences in perceptions, then coming to a common understanding becomes almost impossible. The negative impact on effective leadership, collaborating with co-workers, or connecting with customers is huge because the relationships have little chance to develop.
Being Certain, Right and/or Effective
Some things to keep in mind about being Certain, Right and/or Effective:
- Just because I’m certain, it doesn’t mean I’m right.
- Just because I’m right, it doesn’t mean I’m being effective.
- I may have to give up my version of right for the conversation to move ahead, to be effective.
- Just because it’s in my mind, is it smart to say it? E.g., “Will this information further the conversation/ enrich the relationship?”
- We can’t be certain what someone else is experiencing based upon their behavior.
Infuse your awareness of the Elephant into your personal interaction repertoire. Realize how others see things differently. Reflect this in your interactions. It will change your relationships in positive ways, both at work and at home.
(Kenneth Cook is the co-founder of How to Who and co-author of How to WHO: Selling Personified, a book and program on building business through relationships. Learn more at www.howtowho.com.)
Read other Friday Focus columns.
Friday Focus is an online-only weekly series of columns focusing on human resource, business legal issues, technology, and marketing. Interested in participating? Send an email to Keith Griffin at kgriffin@hartfordbusiness.com.
Read more
10 things to know about employees with disabilities
SEO, social media, and PPC are changing rapidly: Are you keeping up?
